Blue

Somehow, things are not going as they should...
Or at least something still feels weird.

The weekend before last, we finally fixed up our balcony and had a party to celebrate the event - the balcony is ours again, goodbye pidgeons! I finally have my own herbs and especially my very own lavender (how I longed for that all these years!). Two different kinds of it actually. I go out to smell and stroke them every day (no kidding - I love my herbs and lavender).

I was sick for about 2 weeks, but since then I went to my one uni course, I spent a nice weekend in Carinthia with friends, I did some knitting and did some video gaming and had lovely sunshine streaming in through my big windows...
...but still something isn't right.

I even won a prize on the WR site (more about that later, when I have my camera back), and it arrived today! Yay! Beautiful!

But still, I'm really feeling blue. Confused, somehow. Something is missing. It can't just be that I need holidays, my job isn't that demanding after all. And it isn't just feeling lonely either, I suppose (lonely because the boyfriend is away from home for approximately 12 hours of each day, and even longer on Mondays ie today), because a) I could easily change that but don't seem to want to and b) even with people around me it doesn't properly go away.

On that weekend in Carinthia I was told that I needed to stop living to fulfill everyone else's expectations, and just live instead. This keeps bugging me. Since then, I keep on thinking about what it is that *I* really want, and trying to differentiate it from things other people might perhaps be expecting from me...which isn't all that easy. Currently I'm trying to recall things that, at some stage in my life, I really wanted to do, but didn't, because I thought (or knew) that someone close to me wouldn't like it. The best I've come up so far is that additional earpiercing (besides the two 'normal' earholes) which I thought I'd like to have 7 years ago...and never got. Would that be a good enough start?
But the question is, what else is there? Is it just other people's expectations which might be 'unhealthy' in some way, or my own as well?

And is that really all that is worrying me?

I guess it's just one of those phases.

Then again, there is so much I want to do, and so much I want to be.

Yep. Just one of those phases, then. :P